MARRIAGE: THE IGNORANT MISTAKE OF AN AFRICAN GIRL

Well, this one is a tad lengthy, but I had to sort of put everything in there. I have a sister, and so many female loved ones and just the mere thought of them living in bondage for the rest of their lives makes me shrivel... Well, the rains will soon take a hike and the wedding hullabaloo will commence in a flash; hence, the urge to post this one:

A lot of women complain bitterly about gender inequality and oppression of women. That's fathomable. But what I find quite mind-boggling is how the same women simultaneously contribute in moulding the ugly sculpture of female oppression with their own hands - what a twist.

So many women don't seem to realize that by diving into marriage at a very tender age, they subject themselves to inequality and subjugation. The men who come seeking your hand - if responsible - must have achieved something tangible before deciding to take such a serious step - meaning they must have started earning money, fulfilling their dreams, and making sense of their existence. And since they're mostly older than you are, it's expected that they should have more life experiences than you do. Many of these men get their lives on track before thinking of 'fingercuffing' you with an engagement ring. You on the other hand don't have enough life experiences, a job, a business, or even a college degree! A lot of you get engaged to these men while you're yet students, but you mindlessly blossom with euphoria, like a starved monkey offered banana. Your short-sightedness and small-mindedness have completely fried your brain. That explains why you can't think deep and realize that by going into marriage without some experiences, palpable personal achievements, and anything to call your own, you may end up being his personal cyborg - you'd have to take what he gives you, sit when he asks you to, stand when he asks you to, spread your legs when he demands, even bark like a dog and hop on one leg like that bimbo from Coming To America - if he so pleases. So how can there be any equality when you've already surrendered yourself to gross inequality from the get-go? In fact, if you're unlucky and end up marrying a crude African traditionalist, you're done! In time, that guy will use you as a mop. He might meet your demands only at his own will and pace. And if he's that cynical and reckless, he might also cheat on you, maltreat you, and mistake you for a sewer, dumping all sorts of shit on you, because he knows you're at his mercy. Now, if you ever find yourself under such jagged conditions, I can assure you that in no time, you'd end up miserable as you gradually lose every iota of self-worth. Every woman is a queen by default, and the best gift any man can ever have, of course until she tampers with the default settings and condescends from being a queen, to being a gold ring in a pig's snout. Therefore, if she stoops that low and makes decisions that consequently put her at a disadvantage, the man will take full advantage of her disadvantages and treat her unlike the queen she's meant to be, but like a disadvantaged nonentity, till she's drained of every drop of dignity.

I wonder, why can't you ladies have some foresight? At least if I, a guy can, you should also. Why do you act as if marriage is the final bus stop in life? Marriage is a good thing, but a step that should be taken only when genuinely ready. Many of you are so vain, you think you've won a lotto when a man proposes; when your mates are dreaming of building empires, you're not dreaming but happily drowning in low self-esteem and telling yourself, "I don hammer!" only because you see the man that just proposed to you as a means to an end. So you subsequently get married, not for love, but for what you can pinch - 'you be mouse?' Unfortunately, in just a short time 'when honeymoon finish, babe na your eye go sharpen.' Lots of you have not finished coping with problems in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, yet leap into marriage with so much ecstacy. Only a lunatic will consciously leap into a blazing furnace with so much joy...a lunatic or someone desperately yearning for suicide, init? (*wink* I'm also an 'init' guy). Many of you don't even know what love is, or how to love, or how to let someone love you. You also don't know how to liberally and diplomatically resolve conflicts in relationships; your specialty is breaking a bottle on your head and pointing the broken spiked end at your boyfriend, as you simultaneously shower him with abundant curses - 'agbero!' You haven't yet realized the importance of healthy communication in a relationship, or how to practice it. In short, you're exceedingly oblivious to the tools necessary for nurturing and sustaining a good relationship. Yet, you surge into the gravely serious institution of marriage without being equipped to combat all the hitches and turbulences that could come your way. That's no different from plunging into a fierce battlefield with the aim of defeating all encountered adversaries and winning the war, but without weapons, just faith - stupid.

Without any further ado, I'd like to break a little precious pot of wisdom just for your sake - yes, because you're that special:

I. Firstly, why do many girls make the gullible error of mistaking a wedding for marriage? A wedding can be beautiful and glamorous, but the moment all those friends, family, haters, and well-wishers leave, that's when reality begins, that's when marriage commences. Don't be carried away by the thought of an exquisite wedding, because no matter how spectacular it turns out, it'll only last a couple of hours. But marriage will eventually become your present, future, and past. It isn't like dating, so you can't hop in and out as you please; it's a life-long commitment. So think deeply and make sure you're ready for marriage, and not just ready to wear a white gown.

II. Get an education, then get a job or start a business; have something you can call your own before agreeing to be a wife. Some of you feel the guy loves you so much and will take good care of you. But no matter how much he loves you, and how much he has promised to take good care of you, in time he may begin to lose respect for you, if all you do is plant your big bum on the sofa, watching Telemundo from dusk till dawn. A revered man wants a wife that will be his honor; he takes pride in her accomplishments, just like the husband of the virtuous woman in the Bible. Every classy man loves a Ms. Independent, not a total lazy liability. Only weak men are afraid of a woman who can stand strong on her own feet, that's why many of such men run to the village to marry zombies. Therefore, strive to be a classy woman so you can attract a classic man like me or Jidenna. Don't aspire to be an acquisition, a furniture, an asset, a sex object, or a piece of decoration to sit and make the house look pretty. Seek to be a plush woman of aplomb, panache, elegance, reverence, and substance; so you can be treated as a queen, not a slave.

III. Learn how to first survive in simple relationships; get the tools for nurturing and sustaining relationships at your fingertips before drooling and fantasising about a huge glistening stone on your ring finger.

IV. Never marry a man you don't love because of the hope that love will come eventually - sorry to say, but that's a terribly 'mumu' investment.

V. Never marry a man you don't know! Many of you think you know him just because you've seen his face for a couple of months, and within those few months, he bought you shawarma on a regular with smiles on his face and no complains, he called you everyday and night to tell you he loves you, he treated you nicely and delicately like an egg, and to crown it all, he does the most romantic things. O! 'Love sweet ooo...' ABRACADABRA!!! You've been tricked and remain under the illusion that you know him in toto. Kimon! Don't be naïve!

VI. Study him with intent, then weigh his pros and cons. If the cons outweigh the pros, and you know you can't tolerate them, don't make up excuses for him, and don't be naïve to think you can change him; that's God's duty, not yours. Yours is to run... No, flee for your life! Otherwise, you'll end up eating "cons" for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in your matrimonial home till death do you p... Love can be blind, but it shouldn't be blind to certain things o! Know when to think with your head and not your heart.

VII. Take your time and don't let anybody rush you. But before even giving it a thought in the first instance, make sure you pray fervently, and until you have that conviction in your gut, never climb the great Iroko of marriage; you might have a tragic fall!
If you don't do these things and more, you may be unlucky to find yourself oppressed in bondage, and not happy in marriage. Be wise.

In summary, ladies, when you marry wrong, just kiss any prospect of equality, self-esteem, and blissfulness goodbye. Sometimes that beautiful lustering diamond ring is just a painful handcuff in disguise. Yes, a good marriage is beautiful and sweet, but some factors can easily prompt it to instantly metamorphose into a brutal penitentiary for rogues, one unfit for a queen. So please girl, be prudent not to sentence yourself to life or death in such a dreadful jail, okay? Marriage isn't the end of life or a final destination; rather, it's the beginning of a very serious chapter of life, thus be wise not to rush into it. Remember to first get an education, and a "decent" source of income. And finally, live a little; get a buttload of experiences, acquire all the lessons and training you need to attain, especially on how to effectively wield the cannon of prayer, arrow of tolerance, spear of forgiveness, sword of communication, shield of repentance, club of honesty, etcetera - for they're all vital weapons effective for conquering and destroying enemies of peaceful coexistence in relationships of any kind. Simply put, get your arsenal properly and readily stacked and intact before giving your hand to someone you're SURE is THE ONE.

To end with, we really ought to stop making girls feel they're finished if they don't get married, especially while they're still quite young; there's so much more to life. Let marriage be a choice girls make when they're ready, and not one they make under duress. Seriously, why should she be made to feel like an outcast simply because she isn't married - does that even make sense? Isn't it prudent and better to be alone than to marry wrong? Parents: don't force these youngsters into making a sever blunder, because you're not the ones to live with the consequences - they are! The fact that they're old enough to give birth doesn't mean they're actually ready for marriage. Marriage is like a deep ocean, and if they don't know how to swim in it, guess what will happen to them... I don't think any mentally balanced parent would want their child to drown. Thus, please just focus on building their confidence, rather than constantly making them feel they need a man to survive, hence, pushing them into captivity. And rather than hound and guilt them into a bad marriage, always advice them on how to live right, and pray for God's grace and guidance to lead them in the right path, where the right life partners will find them at the right time. Anything short of this will just be an ignorant participation in carving the hideous sculpture of female oppression with your own hands.

Again, all grown girls are fit to wear a wedding gown, but not all grown girls are fit to be brides. Therefore, all you girls out there getting high on the wedding rush, note that marriage isn't a walk in the park. So, change your orientation for your own good... NOW!!!

P.S
For those of you already facing oppression in your marriages, don't just say, "c'est la vie" and endure all the crap. The answer to your problem isn't enigmatic. Therefore, don't wallow in quandary, but pray hard and start taking necessary actions to change your status quo. If he treats you as a slave, pragmatically remind him that you're a queen!

Shalom.